The Funeral.
His funeral was today. It was so hard... so hard. I was late. I didn't go to the viewing. I can't do viewings... they're morbid, and they make me feel sick inside. But I know what happened at the viewing. Kyle said he looked cold-- that he didn't look like Mike at all, that the lighting was all wrong or something. Tabitha hugged him and whispered to him, telling him things that Tammie wanted him to know and couldn't tell him, because Tammie lives in Georgia now. Mike's mom was kind of weirded out by that, but Tabby's from Alabama, and they do things like that there.
I wore my hair curly. I always wore my hair curly when I was around him, because he would always show up at my house in the morning, unexpected, and I'd have to get ready quickly... and wearing my hair naturally was easiest. It was too hot to wear my boots, but I wore them anyway.
I stood out in the foyer, with someone I didn't know and her baby. I listened to his father speak. Up until now, I had only cried once, only broken down after Stacy had called. I stood in the foyer and let the tears roll down my face, but there were only a few.
Susie sang, while Jill played. I stood at the open door and cried there, watching Tabitha put her arms around Brenda, watching both Kyles struggle, watching Emma cry.
His mother spoke, and I felt strangely cold while she did. Something made me want to make her stop talking, stop referring to how much they expected something like this to happen. It made me angry.
And then they played his song. I came inside, sat behind Callie and Tabitha and Brenda. I put my arms around Callie's shoulders and sobbed. It had been so long since I heard his voice singing, and I had always loved it so much. When the song split into harmony, his voice on all parts, I found I couldn't breathe. Tabitha had her arms around Brenda; Stacy had her face in her handkerchief, and her shoulders were shaking.
oh my soul hungered
my heart cried out
please, Lord, release me
from pain and from doubt
oh my soul hungered
each time
I knelt down to pray
and felt all my doubts wash away
Brenda said that when she heard the news, her heart broke. Mine stayed intact until I heard him singing again. I thought that he couldn't make me feel anything ever again, but he did.
with all my heart
with all my soul
I wrestle before the Lord
to make my life whole...
When they wheeled the casket out, I couldn't look. Funerals seem so detached and so morbid, so inhuman. That box was empty. They were lying to us all, and Mike had just gone off to recuperate in Guadalajaro or the French countryside or something.
Jill hugged me outside. I tried not to look at her too closely. They could have been twins, with their same white smile. I wondered, detached, how they could look so much alike and yet Mike is handsome where Jill is pretty. Shouldn't Jill look masculine or Mike feminine? But neither of them do. And then I realized it doesn't really matter all that much, because he's gone. He's been gone for a long time... but this time, he's really, truly gone.
And I stopped crying. My tears just dried up.
I wore my hair curly. I always wore my hair curly when I was around him, because he would always show up at my house in the morning, unexpected, and I'd have to get ready quickly... and wearing my hair naturally was easiest. It was too hot to wear my boots, but I wore them anyway.
I stood out in the foyer, with someone I didn't know and her baby. I listened to his father speak. Up until now, I had only cried once, only broken down after Stacy had called. I stood in the foyer and let the tears roll down my face, but there were only a few.
Susie sang, while Jill played. I stood at the open door and cried there, watching Tabitha put her arms around Brenda, watching both Kyles struggle, watching Emma cry.
His mother spoke, and I felt strangely cold while she did. Something made me want to make her stop talking, stop referring to how much they expected something like this to happen. It made me angry.
And then they played his song. I came inside, sat behind Callie and Tabitha and Brenda. I put my arms around Callie's shoulders and sobbed. It had been so long since I heard his voice singing, and I had always loved it so much. When the song split into harmony, his voice on all parts, I found I couldn't breathe. Tabitha had her arms around Brenda; Stacy had her face in her handkerchief, and her shoulders were shaking.
oh my soul hungered
my heart cried out
please, Lord, release me
from pain and from doubt
oh my soul hungered
each time
I knelt down to pray
and felt all my doubts wash away
Brenda said that when she heard the news, her heart broke. Mine stayed intact until I heard him singing again. I thought that he couldn't make me feel anything ever again, but he did.
with all my heart
with all my soul
I wrestle before the Lord
to make my life whole...
When they wheeled the casket out, I couldn't look. Funerals seem so detached and so morbid, so inhuman. That box was empty. They were lying to us all, and Mike had just gone off to recuperate in Guadalajaro or the French countryside or something.
Jill hugged me outside. I tried not to look at her too closely. They could have been twins, with their same white smile. I wondered, detached, how they could look so much alike and yet Mike is handsome where Jill is pretty. Shouldn't Jill look masculine or Mike feminine? But neither of them do. And then I realized it doesn't really matter all that much, because he's gone. He's been gone for a long time... but this time, he's really, truly gone.
And I stopped crying. My tears just dried up.
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